A Dopamine Starved Chimp (From a few years back)

An article I wrote a few years back. I’m surprised I’m still alive and sane in 2017. My binge eating hasn’t killed me and I haven’t had a breakdown. I guess I owe God some gratitude.



As everyone in the world is well aware of, Dili or Atlas to the whole wide world, is still laboring in agony in this all-intrusive social experiment and he is growing ever so weary as every day passes by. Yes, being watched, physically and mentally, is no walk in the park. It’s a constant stress that weighs on your cranium and builds pressure from all sides, on all facets of your mental activity, from a simple thought that you encounter to going to the toilet to thoughts of utter despair and disbelief. Yes, going to the toilet is no easy thing at all, as you know for a fact that you are being watched and evaluated for any sort of ‘Gay’ activity. So a wash is delicately performed and toilet paper is treated like scented paper to dispel any thoughts that might be propagated that you may engage in ‘gay’ activity in your lonesome past times.

If toilet is a path of thorns, then the utter despair of being watched continuously for many years, feels like the Sahara dessert, with no trace of helpful human civilization and no trace of water to quench the thirst for paramount freedom. There is a good article that all of you should read on the topic of privacy – http://faculty.washington.edu/pkahn/articles/ww.pdf. The article is a frank viewpoint on the agony of being watched by an unknown power-wielding entity, and the impact that it has on your life.

The despair you feel cannot be explained in words, for it spans a boundless universe of mind exploration, when your mind feels like a King whose still unclosed fontanelles are being ripped open by a crown of thorns. Imagine what agony Jesus felt ? As for me, I am not only being crushed by a crown of thorns but every person in the whole wide world, knows every grain of agony that I go through. What hurts most is that the power hungry Big Brother is not just engaging in hurt infliction but also engaging in the dissipation of how I react to the invasion of my privacy. Every moment of agony, insanity, helplessness, feelings of subjugation are readily dispersed to the waiting ears of the gossip hungry universe – pretty much the whole of mankind except me and a few sympathizing helpless souls – as I labor on in my cell, the prince who was subjugated to a pauper, the adventurer who was held in chateau d’if for 14 long years, the son of a carpenter who was crucified to appease the calls of power-hungry folk, Alfred Dreyfus languishing in his Devil’s island, the Goliath of humanity who was dwarfed in to the laughing stock of the universe. Yes, I have been accused, ridiculed, laughed at for just being different from the stocks that come together at the market place every Sunday.

As my world was crumbling in 2009, I contacted the author of the above article, to get one person on board in my mission for freedom. I am no Nelson Mandela but I feel like a soul captured in Robben island and watched from every angle by the power hungry cameras, satellites and drones. However, he treated me like a Paranoid Schizophrenic, and thought that I suffered from delusions and paranoia. I mean who will have the power and the technology to follow someone’s life 24 hours/day for 5 years or more, what power hungry entity would want to crush a relatively no-one in to an oblivion. I have only been in love once in my life, gone out with one girl who dominated our short-term affair, earn a mediocre salary from a stingy boss and have few meaningful friends. I mean who in the whole wide world would spend all this technology to crush the vitality out of such a loser in life. The reality is that people have this notion of me being an ultra-conservative judgmental personality, and they want to tarnish every morceau of sanity and respect I have by subjugating me to the scum at the bottom of the human pond.

As for my mission, I am deeply relegated to a pseudo “mental illness” now. A feeling of a capsized ship on its way to the Arctic circle. No good will ever come out of my life. I am no Paranoid Schizophrenic but I am taking anti-pscyhotics and anti-depressants daily just to get through my watched life. Even a Paranoid Schizophrenic would take less medication compared to me. I don’t know where my journey will end…………perhaps, they will convert me forcefully to be a homosexual as well. My dopamine levels are so low that I can hardly maintain an erection and would never be able to make a woman happy with my man tool and I am becoming more submissive as days go by. An explosion of serotonin and a dearth of dopamine is sure to be a cocktail of disaster to your sexual-ness and maybe even to your sexuality. My mission is already a Marie Celeste – No one on board, no hope, no direction, lost to a limbo of sin. My only hope is that there will be a heaven and that heaven will reach me soon.