If (Not the Poem) – A Reality Humor Piece

Another Toastmasters piece I did, for a humor competition.

Ele and giraffe

In Sri Lanka, being tall is a curse or a handicap. I mean, when everyone is 5 feet six inches and about you get all sorts of nicknames following you – especially if you have the waist to match. Yep, I had the unfortunate episode of being on the other side of 6 in height and 40 in waist…………..So I had all the nicknames – grape ape, Godzilla, king kong, ali butho, wal atha, Gulliver, all of them tall and big creatures………..

Taking about problems, do you know what a tall person has to go through in life…….It is more to do with cruel and unusual punishment……..For example, do you know that toilet paper was invented by a tall person………I mean imagine, a tall person has to crouch so low to get on top of a bidet – that is highly unusual corporeal punishment……….so a tall person somewhere in the history of mankind though, there should be toilet paper…………even the partitions for urinating cubicles are so short in a men’s toilet, tall people have to wait till everyone’s gone before they do their business……Then comes the private busses, nano cabs and maruti taxis we simple can’t stand or sit straight in………..and your friends habitually use you all the time, as an umbrella or a sunshade.

Anyway, on the tall front, I long ago had to fight for the mating rights with a giraffe………..Her name was Sarah. Anyway do you know what the word ‘Giraffe’ means ? Fast walker…………Yeah compared to an elephant ! Have you seen a Giraffe’s walk – they look like they are walking with high heels……..Anyway wouldn’t they make a nice couple – an elephant and a giraffe. I used to think of us getting married at a church in Africa, which would be officiated by Tarzan – who will be providing the music for the wedding too (AHHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHHHAHAAAAHAHHHHHA ah ah) – and the ring-bearer and page boy being cheeta the chimp. Anyway, just imagine, a giraffe and an elephant walking down the isle……..It will take a good 30 minutes before they are at the alter………Before then tarzan’s rib cage would be in pieces after all the chest thumping……..

Anyway marrying a tall girl was one of my dreams since the day I met Sarah. I would  fast forward to the future on how our life would have unfolded. I dreamt of planning our honeymoon, calling a hotel and asking for a honeymoon package with a giant seven foot king’s bed (I wonder what the Hotel Clerk thought) ……………..and then to life ever after……….where we would have lived in seventh heaven…… or is that too low, let’s say seventieth heaven.

Wow I was walking in seventh heaven in my dreams and alas that was not the case in reality, since she wasn’t even mine……….Sometimes, just being tall doesn’t mean that your dreams sky rocket high above the exopshere……….We tall people too have gone through our own share of heartache…….we too are real and don’t have life easy just b’cos we are tall……….

So with all these mishaps offered by being tall, I went and sought solace in a poem by Rudyard Kipling ”If you can dream and not make your dreams your master”. So I let go of my dream to marry a tall girl and found my eternal sanctuary in a woman who is 5’3”. A woman who walks like a wobbling penguin because she has knocked-knees, a woman who is a smurfette or a midget compared to Sarah, a woman who is bashful like a princess, dopey in the kitchen, sneezy like a Tuk-Tuk, sleepy on Sunday mornings, doc when I’m sick and happy all seven days of the week, and never ever grumpy.

Sometimes when I see a tall girl  on the road I think ‘What if ?’ but then the word ‘if’ – short ‘i’ and tall ‘f’ , is all I needed………I’m married to a blissful dwarfesse and its been a honeymoon this far…….


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